Carnations
by ph34r-t3h-cu73n355
Summary: He is forever haunted by her memory. Her death tore him up inside and he never got to tell her how he felt ah she died in his arms. Hiei can't and will never forget the woman that he relised he loved then lost the same night.


This is a song-fic made by yours truely. I can't seem to find the title of the song but it is not mine.

* * *

Silence. Darkness. Night surrounds me. The world is cold now. My warmth has left me. The smiling green eyes that I would spend hours starring into are now closed...forever. You left so suddenly. I never saw it coming. 

_**A hundred days have made me older, since the last time that I saw your pretty face. A thousand lies have made me colder, and I don't think I can look at this the same. But all the miles that separate, they disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face. I'm here without you, baby, but you're still on my lonely mind. **_

Your memory haunts me. I can't sleep at night. Your face, so full of life, is there everytime I close my eyes. Why did you have to leave? Was life so bad that you had to take yours away? Why didn't you come to me? Did you hate me that much when I felt love for you? The grave before me, echoing your memory, is wet from the falling rain. My hair has fallen limp and lays in my face but I don't even notice. I'm too busy staring at your resting place.

_**I think about you, baby, and I dream about you all the time. I'm here without you, baby, but you're still with me in my dreams. And tonight…it's only you and me.**_

I want to hate you for what you did. Even now, after a year, I still don't know why you did it. Why didn't you leave me a clue as to what caused you so much pain that you stained your bed with your pure blood? I've come to your grave every week and lay your favorite flower on it. Carnations. I remember when you told me that. We were walking through the park after Koenma told me to pick you up from school.

_'A man with gravity-defying black hair and crimson eyes walked along a path with his hands in his pockets. Walking along side him was a young girl, no more the 18, with long black hair and sparkling blue eyes. She was watching the sky. Clouds drifted across the vast plane. The sky was the same dazzling blue as her eyes. Turning her gaze to the side, she saw a patch of flowers. Walking over, she knelt beside them._

_"Look Hiei. Carnations."_

_He walked up beside her._

_"So?"_

_"These are my favorite. When my mother was alive, we used to have a huge garden in the front of the house and we grew carnations. She loved gardening and, since I helped her out so much, I grew to love it to. However, when she died, I hated walking into the garden. It stirred memories that hurt. But no matter what, they will always be my favorite."_

_"Why are you telling me this?"_

_She looked up at him and smiled softly. He always loved her smile._

_"I don't know. I guess I just feel comfortable telling you these things."_

_He watched her longingly, but he wouldn't succumb to his feelings._

_"Let's go already."_

_"Of course. But, Hiei?"_

_"Hn?"_

_"Can I...talk to you tonight...in my room?"_

_"I suppose."_

_She smiled at him._

_That night..._

_"Onna...you awake?" he asked, tapping lightly on her door._

_"Come in Hiei."_

_He complied and entered her room. She sat on her windowsill. The only light in her room was the soft glow of the candles. The stars twinkled brightly in the sky for there was no moon out. Turning, she looked over at her kajihenge friend and smiled._

_"I am glad you came over. I see you didn't lose the spare house key I gave you."_

_"Hn. So what did you want?"_

_"Nothing much, just to talk. Plus, it gets lonely around here. Why don't you consider my offer and move in?"_

_"I am perfectly fine with where I am."_

_"As you wish." she smiled softly at him. "I would not want to upset you."'_

You were always so fragile. That's why I hated getting close to you. I was always afraid I would break you somehow.

_**The miles just keep rolling, as the people leave their way to say hello. I've heard this life is overrated…but I hope that it gets better as we go. I'm here without you, baby, but you're still on my lonely mind. I think about you, baby, and I dream about you all the time. I'm here without you, baby, but you're still with me in my dreams. And tonight, girl, it's only you and me.**_

Why did you do it? Now...as I stand in your bedroom, I see the blood stain forever stuck in your carpet. I haven't been in here since the night I found you on the verge of death.

_'A red drop falls to the carpet where it is quickly absorbed. Tears fall around a young woman holding a blade to her wrist. Bloody cuts adorned each arm. Dizziness took over her as she fell backwards onto her bed. She can remember the night so clearly. She spilt her heart out to him She told him all of her secrets and showded him the cuts that she has been doing to herself for the past 3 years. She told him how both her parents were murdered right before her eyes by the man she thought she loved. Then she told him the things she never uttered to a single soul. The many times her ex-boyfriend raped her and beat her after that. The time she got pregnant with his baby and her puched her in the gut when she was 6 months along, killing the innocent child. Sobs racked her body as she told him all of these terrible things. Leaning on his shoulder for support, tears ran down her face. He wanted to wrap his arms around her and hold her tight, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. As she spilt her heart out, something slipped._

_"Hiei...I can't stand anything anymore. I've given up on life, on love, on everything. All I find is pain in the end. I...I hate living.I just want it all to end. I want all the pain to go away."_

_"Don't say that. Deal with it."_

_"I'm tired of dealing with it. Everytime I close my eyes, I am haunted by those memories. I can't take it anymore."_

_"Stop it." he pulled her off of him. "Snap out of it and stop speaking insanity."_

_"Don't tell me what to do! I'm tired of everyone saying 'Be careful, Rin.' 'Don't do anything stupid, Rin.' 'Quit being a kid, Rin. You're an adult now. Get out of the past.' I hate everyone bossing me around. It's driving me insane. I can't take it.."_

_She was silenced when Hiei smacked her hard across the face, knocking her off her bed and onto the floor. Shock was all that registered in her brain._

_As she remembered the smack, she pulled the blade all the way down her arm, pushing hard and cutting deeply into the flesh. Blood cascaded down her arm and all over her silky white bedspread. Anger pulsed through her brain as she felt herself getting weaker and weaker. The blade fell to the floor as her eyelids drooped. Gazing up with half closed eyes, she pushed her journal under her pillow. Inside of it was a note to Hiei. She hated him for not understanding her, but she couldn't stop loving the crazy, stubborn kajihenge she met when the Reikai Tantei rescued her from the clutches of her psychotic ex-boyfriend. A smile crept onto her face as she rolled over onto her back. She was losing blood quickly but she didn't care. She had given up on life. There wasn't anything to live for. The man that she knew she loved didn't return her feelings. Hed eyes started to close when she heard the front door open. Feet pounded up the stairs and Hiei walked into her room. He could smell the blood and ran over to her. Pressing against the wound, he tried to slow the bleeding, but it was too late. Rin opened her eyes and stroaked his cheek, the blood from her fingers smearing his skin._

_"Gomen Nasai, Hiei-kun" she whispered._

_Her hand fell limp on the bed and he knew she was gone. If only he was a few minutes earlier._

_**Everything I know, and anywhere I go, it gets hard, but it won't take away my love. And when the last one falls, when it's all said and done…It gets hard, but it won't take away my love. I'm here without you baby, but you're still on my lonely mind. I think about you, baby, and I dream about you all the time. I'm here without you, baby, but you're still with me in my dreams. And tonight, girl… it's only you and me.**_

I was too late that night. I should have left earlier. I could have made it to you before you made the first cut. As I lay here on your bed, the same place that you died, I stretch out and hit your pillow. Something pokes me and I pull it out. I recognize it as your journal by it's beat up, black leather cover. Opening it, an envelope falls onto my lap. It's addressed to me. I open it and see that you wrote it for me...the night you died.

Hiei-

As you read this, I am no longer here. It has become to much for me. Life is moving so fast I can't catch up and everything is going down hill. Why did fate lay out this path for me? This is selfish...but I wish it would have happened to someone else. If it would have, then, maybe, I could have had a chance with the person I told you about. The one I admired from afar. Even though I am sure he would never return my feelings, I still loved him. Soon, I saw and flt that nothing was going to turn out like the fairy tale I believed in. I always imagined my knight-in-shinning-armor would come and rescue me from this hellish life I lead. I dreamed he would take me far away and we could live happily ever after. But that is only a dream...one that would never come true. And as I close out this letter..I have some things I must say.

You have been a great friend to me, as has Kurama, Yusuke, the girls, and, hell, even the idiot Kuwabara. I will miss you all very much. What I am to do, or in present terms did, is what is meant to happen. Fate has laided out a jagged path and I have finally reached the end. I can't go backwards, only forward, and what lies ahead is a bright, white light calling my name. Remember this always, when you are awake or asleep, I will always watch over you, Hiei. You have been my best friend and I am sorry for leaving you like this. But always think of me, not as the crazy girl who killed herself because she hated living, but as the dainty girl who brought true smiles to your face (don't think i've never seen them). I will always be with you in spirit, Botan has made sure of this. Remember me in your dreams.

I love you Hiei, my knight in crimson armor.

-Rin

A tear falls down my cheek as I read your letter again. I am forever stained by your memory. Falling back onto your pillow, I do something I have never done, I cried. I cried for you, for your death. I cried for the lives I have taken away. I cried for my mother and sister. But I especially cry for not telling you that I love you too. If only I would have. Instead of you lying in a plot of land, you could be here within my arms, happy and protected. Sleep slowly takes over and I drift into my dreamworld. As you always are, you are awaiting me in it, but something is different. You seem solid, not the whispy figure I usually see.

"Hiei."

As I approach you, you become more and more clear. Straoking your cheek, I don't go through you like I used to. I can feel the warmth of your body. Unab;e to contain myself, I pull you against me.

"How could you?" I ask horsely.

"I am sorry Hiei-kun. I couldn't take it anymore."

"I loved you...I still love you."

"And I love you, but fate has made life this way and there isn't anything that we can do to change it."

"Maybe Koenma can.."

"No. He can't. He doesn't have the energy to and I couldn't anyway. Understand, I don't want it to be like this but it must. Always remember that I am with you."

Pulling away, you slowly press your lips against mine. I can feel you getting colder, but I don't want you to go. You place one last peck on my lips as you start to fade away.

"No." I whisper, trying to grab your hand but passing right through it.

"Farewell, Hiei-koi. I love you...always and forever."

"I love you too...Rin-chan."

_**I'm here without you, baby, but you're still with me in my dreams. And tonight, girl… it's only you and me.**_

I awake quickly and sit up. Rain taps against the window. A thunderstorm rages outside. I look down and see the letter in my hand. Folding it up, I place it in my pocket and rest on your pillow. I know you are crying with me. The rain is your tears, your tears of sorrow. I breath deeply and can still smell you on the pillow. I scent still lingers...the scent of Carnations.


End file.
